


all i want is you, always you

by moonlitkwan



Series: falling for u [8]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Concerts, Exes!Jihan, Exes!Yoonhong, Getting Back Together, Idols, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, fanboy!soonyoung, idol!jeonghan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27559570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitkwan/pseuds/moonlitkwan
Summary: "Even though we broke up and hurt ourselves, it's still you. All I want is you, always you. It has always been you and darling, I'm still in love with you."
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: falling for u [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001655
Kudos: 35





	all i want is you, always you

Joshua didn't know how he ended up in his ex-lover's concert. 

Actually, he knew why.

Soonyoung.

His friend was such a big fan of Jeonghan to the point that he wouldn't shut up about him, always talking about the idol as if it was the only topic he knew of, his reason for breathing, and would never miss a chance to show Joshua how ethereal Jeonghan's pictures are and how enticing he looked in the videos that Soonyoung had saved. And even though Soonyoung's vigor excitement would plant a seed of numbness inside Joshua's chest each time, heart clenching with pain and every beat laced with ache as their memories would flash before him through the pictures and videos casted to his way, Joshua chose not to say anything and remained silent, not wanting Soonyoung's joy to fade away if the latter knew the truth.

And Joshua was good at it, keeping secrets, and keeping the pain and the regret all to himself.

In spite of Soonyoung being his closest friend, almost seeing him as his brother even though the younger was quite annoying at times and Joshua wanted to bang his head on the wall every time Soonyoung would do something crazy, Joshua didn't bear the courage to tell him that Jeonghan was his ex-lover, and that at some point of the idol's life, he was his foundation. The male wasn't sure why he was hesitant to do so, unsure why he didn't have it in himself to tell Soonyoung because it wasn't something so forbidden and life-changing _(maybe telling it to the wrong person, turning it into gossip and ruining Jeonghan's career - that was forbidden and life-changing, but Joshua would loathe himself even more if that happens)_ and he knew very well that Soonyoung could keep a secret, but Joshua just couldn't.

Joshua chose to keep it to himself.

So the male couldn't blame Soonyoung for scoring tickets of Jeonghan's concert and dragging him there, half-willingly.

Joshua tried to make up an excuse, even coughing quite a lot just to show that he was weak and was not in the right state to go his ex-lover's concert but Soonyoung could see right through him and knew of his overdramatic antics, even saying, "You're such a bad actor, hyung," that deflated his ego but Joshua knew that what Soonyoung said wasn't entirely true at all. He wasn't a bad actor, because he managed to pretend that he didn't know Jeonghan, pretended that his ex-lover didn't mean anything to him at all, pretended not to have any regrets and pretended that he was okay so Joshua was definitely not a bad actor.

It was also not Soonyoung's fault that Joshua was standing in a crowd full of die-hard fans that was creating a storm inside his head. 

With Soonyoung jumping and waving his lightstick a little too enthusiastically up in the air, screaming along with the thousands of fans that were also singing wholeheartedly with Jeonghan, Joshua was left standing in the side stiffly, unsure where to look at but in the end, he ended up gazing at Jeonghan the whole time even though he desperately told himself beforehand not to look at the idol or else he'd probably burst into tears. Although there were no tears threatening to fall from his eyes - at least not yet - Joshua harbored thoughts of wanting to feel Jeonghan's warmth around him once again, wanting to remember what it was like to be hugged by him and even to be loved by him but he fought away the urge to hug the idol and take him away from the crowd to the side and contained all his unsaid feelings in one area that he hoped his brain would forget eventually. His thoughts may be loud but Joshua knew that he would never be able to do that in reality, knowing deep inside that he was a coward, but he was a coward who wanted Jeonghan's dreams to come true. And now, seeing the way Jeonghan lit up the stage and cowering the stars into shame, Joshua could still say that he didn't regret anything.

Joshua still convinced himself that he didn't regret anything even though his own heart was clenching at every minute that was passing by, pools of tears finally dropping off from his eyes and his mind flying in haze as the male was once again attacked with an onslaught of memories that he desperately tried to forget - the same memories that would come and creep to him at night, and cling to him until the break of dawn - he tried to wipe it out of his mind and erase it knowing that he'd only sow nothing but pain and regret but he was weak. Especially to one Yoon Jeonghan, Joshua was so weak. 

Joshua was still very much in love with Yoon Jeonghan.

Soonyoung was too busy enjoying the moment of his life for him to notice the tears that were falling from Joshua's eyes, too preoccupied to see how Joshua's guilt and sadness were slowly eating him up in the inside, and too dense to know the latter's thoughts of wanting nothing else but to have Jeonghan back in his arms and hug him as if he was his sole reason for breathing.

Joshua's vision blurred as his eyes pooled up with tears, he wanted to get away but he knew leaving his friend was also a bad idea. The male didn't want to make so many regrets in just one day, he was already carrying one, and he definitely didn't need to add more into his collection. One would think that he was so happy to see the idol to the point of crying, and although it was partly true - it was his first time to see Jeonghan after their painful breakup - it was also not, because Joshua wasn't just a mere fan. He was tempted to say that he used to be Jeonghan's favorite person, favorite pillow and his favorite muse but what could that do when in the end he was going to be his favorite memory? Maybe not his favorite even, but Joshua liked to think that at least one point of the idol's life, he truly loved Joshua with all of his heart - maybe enough to be called as a favorite memory.

Joshua's mind was clouded with so much haze and pain that it was hard to get a grip around his surroundings and be actually aware of what was happening. The music was too loud on his ears and thousands of sweaty bodies were colliding with his here and there, not bothering to realize that they were overstepping his personal space but Joshua knew better not to yell at them for the reason, already bearing ideas that his voice would get swallowed down at their loud screeches and screams that were making the said male's ears bleed.

And before the male knew it, the concert came to an end, with Soonyoung dragging him out of the arena and unfortunately leaving him at some area to go and get some snacks for them to munch on, in which Joshua was grateful for.

But as he waited with all the patience he had left inside of him, Joshua couldn't stop himself from being clouded with thoughts and questions of what was taking Soonyoung so long. "Did he run into his ex-boyfriend or something?" Joshua wanted to go home as soon as possible, the pain and guilt inside of him were clawing and tearing his stomach it was hard to stop himself from having the urge to puke, and when it was hard to hold back, Joshua found himself puking at some bush, hoping nobody saw him or else he would truly ask the gods to open up the grounds and suck him in until everyone would forget his existence.

"Are you okay?"

It was as clear as the day that the world wasn't on his side. 

Somebody saw him.

Can his day get any worse?

Joshua fished out the handkerchief that he had tucked in his pocket and tried to wipe out the mess on his lips as fast as he could, trying to ignore the embarrassment that was bubbling in his stomach and the lingering gaze of the stranger on his back who unfortunately managed to witness him in his humiliating state. He debated if he should run away in that moment and abandon Soonyoung who was still nowhere to be found - Joshua was now sure that Soonyoung must've ran into Jihoon who also liked Jeonghan's music - but Joshua decided not to last minute, praying to the skies that his close friend would come and save him now or that he didn't make the wrong decision. He reminded himself to ban Soonyoung from his apartment if Joshua would ever come out of his embarrassing situation alive and in one piece.

Mustering up the courage to face the stranger and not dig up his own grave by embarrassing himself more - well, that was something he was not good at - Joshua forced himself to turn around and greet the stranger in front of him but quickly dropped his gaze at the last minute, a faint blush of what he knew was shame painting all over his cheeks as he tried to mumble out with his eyes fixed entirely on a random pebble in front of him, "I'm okay," a thought crept inside the male's brain and decided that it was time to meet the stranger's eyes. "No need to worry--"

When Joshua hesitantly looked up and locked eyes with the stranger in front of him, his heart skipped a beat and a faint gasp was slipped out from his mouth. "Jeonghan?" 

"Hi, Joshuji." Jeonghan mumbled his familiar nickname softly, but it was enough for Joshua's heart to be shattered into pieces and for tears to start forming in his eyes. Tears and memories were starting to form but he blinked them all away, refusing to cry in front of the idol and be vulnerable in front of him even though there were a lot of times that he was - but those were the times when they were still together - and in the present time, they were two broken souls bounded by pain and lingering memories.

"How are you?" Joshua convinced himself that he was dreaming, that Jeonghan wasn't in front of him and that he was just imagining things but with one single tear falling from his eye and the unbearable ache puncturing his heart reminding him of the reality, maybe the male in front of him was real and not a figment of his imagination, or another 'what if' in his dreams that would always creep to him at night. "I-I'm fine, you?" 

"I'm doing good, Shua," Jeonghan replied, a faint smile plastered on his lips as he sighed out. "Busy with concerts and interviews. It's tiring, but you know, it's worth it." Joshua knew that Jeonghan was tired, but the latter was glowing and he was really happy. Seeing him like this, Joshua was happy too.

"I know." Joshua croaked out before shoving both of his hands on his pockets. "But I can't say the same here. With you living your dreams, I'm here barely breathing and suffering with medical school, it's torture." A chuckle was slipped out of his mouth, and Jeonghan found himself doing the same thing too, and just like that they found themselves an atmosphere that wasn't laced with tension and awkwardness, just lingering feelings and longings.

"You're quite wrong on the part of living my dreams though," the smile that curved on Jeonghan's lips dispersed into the darkness and was pressed into a thin line, eyes glinting with sadness and regret were staring back at him. "I still have one yet to accomplish."

"You pretty much accomplished all your dreams, Hannie," Joshua paused, hesitation written all over his face and slight panic gleaming in his eyes at the familiar nickname slipping abruptly out of his lips but he continued nonetheless, ignoring the way how Jeonghan looked at him and how it was getting so hard to breathe around him. Joshua needed Soonyoung now, he needed to go because he was no longer sure if he could still keep on his act of being nonchalant and unaffected of the idol's presence. Unaffected of their breakup, and unaffected of carrying regrets. Joshua was also not sure if he could still hold himself back, dear skies, help him hold back please. "Or the dreams that you have said to me when we were still together. You are busy being asked for interviews and commercials now, sold out world tours and having concerts here and there, you have millions of people loving you---"

"Do you?" Jeonghan interrupted.

"What?" Joshua's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his head tilted slightly as he asked again. It was so hard to breathe around Jeonghan, Soonyoung help him please. "What did you say?"

"Do you love me too?" At Jeonghan's words, Joshua found himself lost at speech, his mouth parted open yet there were no words were coming out of it. The male wanted to say something, utter out anything just to ease out the tension that was starting to erupt before them but Joshua's mind was a mess, different thoughts were running all over his head it was hard to distinguish what was real and what was not, but Jeonghan was standing in front of him, waiting for an answer, and he was very much real.

"Jeonghan, I---"

"And this time," Jeonghan interrupted again before Joshua could even finish his words, a soft sigh being uttered out before saying, "No more lies. Just the truth."

"I know everything now, Shua," the idol continued, but now tears were glossing over his eyes and were threatening to fall at each second that was passing by. Joshua could see how hard Jeonghan was holding the tears in, and the former was holding himself back as well from hugging the idol without knowing if he wanted the same thing too. The tension between them would stir up even more if Joshua would do something stupid and make the idol uncomfortable with his presence, he'd rather jump himself off from a cliff than remind Jeonghan the reasons why they couldn't work out - didn't work out.

"The management told me the truth, the one who threatened you was fired for being manipulative and forceful, and I'm sorry. They realized now that it didn't matter if their artists would be in a relationship as long as they could still perform outstandingly, it took them this long to realize that we are humans as well." When tears started to fall from Jeonghan's eyes, it was the same time that Joshua could no longer hold himself back and grabbed Jeonghan's arms, pulling him into his chest with his arms tightly wrapped around the idol's waist as he let the former bury his head to the crook of his neck and cry his heart out.

"Shush now, Hannie, it's okay," Joshua gently ruffled Jeonghan's hair and patted his back softly, the familiar nickname rolling out of his tongue naturally as he was briefly reminded of the times they were still together. Joshua began to think that he was definitely dreaming, and if he truly was then he didn't want to wake up anymore. He didn't need Soonyoung to help him anymore. Dear skies, let him have this moment please. "You have nothing to be sorry about, and in fact, I should be the one saying sorry to you. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain and sadness, and for hurting you that night. I didn't mean those words darling, and you're much more than that, and I know it's too late to take back my words but I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything."

Jeonghan removed his head from Joshua's shoulder and looked up to stare at him, his eyes red and filled with tears but to Joshua, he was still the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on. Jeonghan's arms were wrapped around his neck, and when they locked eyes, Jeonghan uttered out. "I know that now, but I'm still sorry that you had to sacrifice yourself for me. You had to go through all that yourself, and never told anyone about the secret you've been keeping, I can't imagine the pain you went through too."

"I love you, Jeonghan," Joshua muttered out despite knowing that the former didn't feel the same way anymore. "I still do even though I know you don't feel the same way anymore."

"What makes you think I don't?" Before Joshua could utter words and emit out the questions that were rolling down at the tip of his tongue, Jeonghan removed his arms from his neck and touched his cheeks, saying, "Yes, it's true I got hurt by your words but I know now that you did it because you had to, and because you were threatened to. I know you wouldn't do it if you weren't being forced to and you chose to give up everything just to make sure I can pursue my dreams, how could I still not feel the same way?"

"But it still can't justify what I did to you, what I said to you," Joshua murmured out, his face leaning towards the warmth of Jeonghan's palms. He wanted to close his eyes and revel in the attention but Joshua was afraid that by the time he opens back his eyes, Jeonghan was long gone. A fleeting touch, and a lingering moment. "I hurt you, Hannie. I'll always regret what I did and I'm truly sorry."

"I know, Shua," Jeonghan continued, caressing Joshua's cheeks gently. "But you hurt yourself as well. If you still regret what you did then make up to me. I accept your apology and I forgive you. Just don't keep anything from me, from now on okay? We were too stupid back then too, you know? Too young and in love thinking that's going to save everything but we know what's different now. Learned that the hard way, even. I guess I was too blind for my dream to know and see that you were hurting too. We could've talked it out too but we can't change what happened though. What matters now is that we matured, and we grew up. We made mistakes - we're humans after all - and had a fair share of regrets but we all learned from them in the end."

Jeonghan breathed out. "Even though we broke up and hurt ourselves, it's still you. All I want is you, always you. It has always been you and darling, I'm still in love with you."

"My heart is still yours," Joshua rested their foreheads against each other and let out a sigh of relief, hearts finally at ease as they beat with their names being called out together in the same time. "I love you and you know it's gonna be like this for the rest of my life."

"I know," Jeonghan smiled, "because my heart is also yours. Forever."


End file.
